Fall

Oh my!  It has been awhile since I posted anything!  I am so sorry lol!  I have been busy with the wee one and trying to get everything back to normal around here.  Thats a hard thing to do.
Anyways!
Yes fall has arrived and the weather is getting cooler and the days shorter.  The leaves are turning to their wonderful colors.  I love when they change. Its so gorgeous.  I wish I could get some photos but we never leave this damn place.  I hate it so much.
O well.  Nadia is doing ok. She has to be at least 10 lbs now.  She has been eating like crazy lately.  She is up to 5 ounces now.  We had to up her feeding because she wasnt getting full and fussing for a bottle an hour later.  Not fun.
Well I have been getting my headache back again.  YAY me... Not.
They are a pain in the ass and I wish I didn't get them.
What else is there.....
Stephen and I have been fighting again and it feels like we are growing apart.  We barely talk and he never tells me that he loves me.. I have to say it first and when he says it I dont think that he means it, not like he did when we got together.  I am almost miserable.  Hell I am... I want to go back home to IN.  I miss it there.  I miss all my friends and all my family.  I feel like I never got to live my 20s and now I am 26 and my life is dull and boring... Yes I have 3 wonderful girls but hell I didn't get to go out to the bar like my brothers did and still do.  I feel like a HUGE disappointment to my family.. They are so proud of Lee and Cory.. Never once have I been told that.  Never..  You know why.  Because I havent done anything but be a screw up.. Yulp.  Im a screw up.
Everyone tells me don't screw this up and don't screw that up.. You know what.  Its not just all my fault!  I am so sick of it being my fault.. That is all I hear.
Im tired of it and im not taking it anymore.  Yes I know I am a screw up.  So what.  I guess I will always be one and never have a happy marriage and family..

Sorry to disappoint you all....

Stressed..

Its been a few since I have wrote a blog.  I am sorry to those of you that actually read my blog.  I have been so busy with Nadia and trying to get the house work caught up with.  I dont think I have gotten anything caught up since we have been home from the hospital.  From trying to get some sleep and Nadia being really fussy the last couple of days nothing has gotten done.  We did get her photos taken and got them back.  They were so good.  I will post them one day when I scan them and what not.  Right now its Saturday night and I finally got Nadia to sleep and I am able to relax and try to get rid of this headache that I have had the last two days.  Not fun at all.  Especially when you have a baby screaming in your face.

I have been having problems with my emotions lately.  I have been very depressed and stressed out.  My hormones have been running really wild lately.  One min i will be fine and the next I dont want to be around any people at all.  Stephen hasn't really helped with it at all.  All he wants to do is sit around INSIDE the house and I like to get out and at least go to the park.  Hell even when we do go out he gets an attitude problem or something.  he never talks to me anymore and just sits on his computer.  Ya he helps with Nadia but he doesn't help to make me somewhat happy.  Well on my Birthday (which was on the 2nd of October) he did get me an awesome digital picture frame that has a lot of cool little settings on it and what not.  I love it.  That made my day.  It was really sweet of him to get that for me.  I just wish that I could get something for him for his birthday.  This is why I would love to have a job but he doesn't want me to get a job.  Which I have no idea why.  Its not like he is working at all. 

Oh ya on that topic.  He went to his doctors on the 4th and they told him that he cant work for another month again.  He starts physical therapy on this monday.  I do hope that it gets better because I am sick of him just laying around the house and being a grump because he can't work anymore.  Its real annoying.  I know that Im not always the happiest person to be around but it would be nice to get outside and get some fresh air.  O well.  So is my life I guess. 

Im going to go for now and try to relax some more.  My heads killing me. 

Night yall

yulp..

So I havent been on here much due to the fact that I have a newborn that needs my every min of attention.  She has been growing and eatting like crazy.  Some nights she is fussy and keeps us up and then other nights she is so quiet and precious.   The other day I got her all dressed up in her Packers gear and took some photos.  I shall show you some here...

 

 

 

She started to get a lil fussy and tired after awhile so I will have to take some more next time.  

It hasnt been a great week this week.  My birthday is on Sunday and I know what is going to happen.  I am going to be sitting here with Nadia and Stephen is going to be asleep all day.  I wont be with friends or with family.  I will be here sitting on my ass not doing a damn thing.  No one to make me dinner or give me a small break or even wish me a happy birthday.  

Stephen and I's relationship has been on the rocks lately as well.  We have been at each others throats and its really hurting our relationship a lot.  We no longer sit next to each other on the couch or even sleep next to each other in the bed.  He is up all night and sleeps all day.  I sleep at night and im up all day without him.  We never leave the house and I feel like I never see him anymore unless he is asleep.  It is getting really hard and I am getting very depressed about it.  I know that its hard because we are both stressed and over tired, but our relationship shouldn't be going down the drain.  I know couples that have a baby and are more in love then before they had a baby.  Not us.  We are suffering and I'm scared.  I dont want to be on my own and be a single mother again, so I am stuck here.  I am stuck here suffering thru a relationship that keeps going downward.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I am lost.

Well, Well, Well...

Well, lets just say that I am starting to feel old LOL!

My birthday is on this up coming Sunday (Oct 2).  I will be 26. Ya I know that isnt old at all but I don't feel like I did when i was a teenager.  I don't have the energy like I had either.  I wish I did so i could do things that I love (frog hunting, hiking thru the woods, climbing trees, etc..). O well.  I can try to do them.  aha 

Well I just thought that I would mention that on here.  I need to go because the wee one is waking up.  :) Later yall

A Lil Frustrated at the Moment..

Well I am going to apologize in advance for venting/ranting, but this is the only way I think is healthy enough to get it out....

   Well it is midnight here in Milwaukee and I have been up for over 13 hours and I am starting to wear down.  Stephen told me earlier that he needed a "break" because his arm hurt and that he couldn't pick up and hold Nadia.  I was pissed when he told me this, because, not only am I still in pain and extremely sore but, im the one that has to stay up and take care of her and everything else while he is awake playing on his computer all night. This means that I have to get up with her ever other hour tonight and tomorrow and clean the house along with doing laundry like always.  I am the one left to do everything.  Lucky me, right?  NO not at all. I am sick of the only one pulling my weight around here.  He isn't working so he can do some shit around here.  Am I wrong?  If so, please tell me why.. 

All I ask for is a little help.  Our house is a mess and unorganized and it is really stressing me out.  Hell everything is stressing me out.  Having anxiety, bi polar and depression doesn't help anything either.  I had an panic attack earlier today and it wasnt a small one either.  All this excess stress and worry is making all my anxiety to come back when I had it under control.

Not to mention that I just break out crying for no reason at all and Stephen thinks nothing of it.  Doesn't ask why or whats wrong anymore.. He just is like are you crying again... ya idk.  I just wish that things would get better. 

We don't even cuddle anymore or sleep next to each other anymore.  He sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bed alone.  We rarely kiss anymore and he never holds my hand anymore in public.  Hell we never leave the freaking house anymore.  He never wants to just go for a walk or go to the beach anymore.  I feel like our relationship is going down the drain and I don't know how to save it anymore..  

I really don't wanna lose him because I still do love him terribly and don't think I could go on without him in my life.  He and Nadia is all I know now.  I have no family and barely any friends here, (hell I don't even hang out with them at all) so him and his family are all I know here.   I am just scared I guess.  I have been crying a lot lately and I think that I am getting PPD (Post Pardum Depression)on top of what I have....Great,  just what I need.  More meds to take...

Well I am going to go for now because Nadia is finally asleep after an hour of crying and fussing.  I need to TRY and get some sleep.  Night Yall

A to Z of ME!!!

Well I found this little questionnaire on my lovely cousins Blog.  I love these kind of things so I took it and I am going to answer it.  :)

I found my A to Z from Danielle over at Simple Sapphire CHECK HER OUT and Link up!

A - Age: 25 (26 on the 2nd of OCT.)
B - Bed size: I have a queen size
C - Chore that you hate: Cleaning out the cat box.. ewww.. lol
D - Dogs: Well if you count my moms dog then one.
E - Essential start to your day:   COFFEE!!!!!!
F - Favorite color: oh lordy.  I have many.  I think Pink, Black, Orange, Green
G - Gold or Silver: White Gold
H - Height:  5' 4"
I - Instruments you play:  I played the flute in Middle and High School.
J - Job title:  Stay at home mama
K - Kids: I have a 4 yr old, 2 yr old and a new born that is 2 weeks today. (all girls lol)
L - Live:  Milwaukee, WI
M - Mother’s name:  Cheryl
N - Nicknames:  Ash, Sis, Re Re
O - Overnight hospital stays:  After giving birth and when I had tonsillitis.
P - Pet peeves: Men that wear their pants to tight or to lose, Men that sag to their ankles, Dirty dishes in the sink.
Q - Quote from a movie: I like too many movies to quote just one.
R - Right or left handed:  Right
S - Siblings:  I am the middle child and only girl.  I have an older brother and a younger brother. They are both in the Military.
T - Time you wake up:  i usually wake up around between 6am and 8am.  Depending on what time Nadia wakes up in the morning.
U - Underwear:  haha I love cotton boy short kinda undies. 
V - Vegetable you hate:  Brussel Sprouts and cooked spinach.  I will eat spinach raw but not cooked. yuck!
W - What makes you run late:   I am a mother of three.  I am never on time...
X - X-Rays you’ve had: Neck, Chest, Shoulder, Ankle
Y - Yummy food that you make: Biscuits and Gravy, Steak, Mashed taters, pancakes, etc...
Z - Zoo animal: Leopards, foxes, penguins lol.  I LOOOVE animals!   :)

My Week...

Ahhhh,  Last time I posted anything I was in the hospital on 9/11.  Well, I am home and have been home since Monday.  Nadia and I had to stay an extra day in the hospital due to her biliruben count.  She had to be on the lights another night. Luckily, it went down and we went home on that late morning.  It was a long day after that.  She has been good and very sweet.  Last night and a night before she was extremely fussy.  I think what it was is that she was overly tired and just wanted to be held up by my chest so she could hear my heart beat, as soon as I did that she stopped crying and went right to sleep. 
I, myself, have been overly tired myself and I haven't had a good nights rest since I had her.  I knew that this would happen but I didn't know I would feel horrible.  I have a scratchy throat and have been coughing a lot.  I think it could be smoke from the MN fires that have been going on.  A few days ago we were under an sir quality alert, telling people to not go out in it.  I believe that might be it because I get really bad Fall allergies.  Hopefully that is all it is, I can't afford to come down with something with Stephen still not able to use his arm. 
Anyways that is all for now.  We haven't done anything at all.  All I know is that I need to clean this house but I know that it will not get done.

oh well. lol.  I hope that everyone has a great weekend!